Ultimate Humiliation

Even when they told me it was ‘circuit training’ I was slightly concerned. After all, I hadn’t been to the gym for ages, hence the sudden foolish urge to book myself onto an hour-long workout. Checking the class time in the leaflet they had helpfully given me, there was no sign of ‘circuit training’. However, winking at me from the page was a session called ‘Ultimate Challenge’. Wow – I hadn’t even put on my trainers and already my heart was pumping faster, not to mention my twitching sphincter.

What the heck was ‘Ultimate Challenge’ I asked myself, and more to the point, what was I thinking of booking myself onto it? But I couldn’t wimp out now. I mean, how hard could it be?

There were a few ‘pre-ultimate’ challenges along the way. First, I had to walk past the door to my local, which sounded and smelled friendly and inviting as I trudged past. My nerve held out and I made it to the door of the gym, where my next challenge was to find the buzzer for the door. Thankfully it wasn’t too long before a passing motorist took pity on me and we enjoyed a little game of ‘golden shot’ as she shouted instructions from her car – “up a bit, left a bit, down a bit’. Finally inside, my penultimate challenge was to part with my class fee. There seems to me to be something quite perverse about paying to be tortured but I coughed up all the same.

It was with some relief that I was introduced to the tutor and he wasn’t Ross Kemp. He demonstrated the various exercises involved in the circuit, and after the first few I was feeling o.k. I even managed to hold the ‘plank’ for the full minute, although an impression of my face may still be visible in the mat. Suddenly I was getting very tired. By the time I made it to half way through the second round it became clear what the ‘ultimate challenge’ was. It was to avoid vomiting in front of a room full of strangers. At one point even standing up was tricky. It must have looked like I was doing a little dance as my thighs decided they had had enough and I’d have to carry on without them.

You’ll be pleased (I hope) to hear I managed it. After a small rest I completed the second and third circuits without giving the cleaner an ‘ultimate challenge’.

However, I should never have put my trust in the instructor. Taking advantage of my visual impairment, the swine followed me home and somehow crept into the house behind me. As I slept, he came into my bedroom and silently injected my legs and arms with concrete.

Do I not like that.