Premiership Update

This weekend threw up some fascinating results in animal football’s Snarling Premiership.

The Merseyside clash between Slitherpool and Cleverton produced a classic. The foxes were outsmarted by the slippery skills of the snakes, who wound up 3-0 victors. They could have had more, but a fourth was disallowed by the ref, who rule that swallowing the ball and then wriggling into the goal was not fair play.

In the weekend’s top-of-the-table clash, Munchester Utd took on Arsnail, the goats running out 2-1 winners, despite having two players red-carded for eating too much of the pitch. Arsnail’s manager, Arsen Whinger, was uncharacteristically critical of his players afterwards, saying “We were too slow. It was a sluggish performance.”

At the Stadium of Heavy, bottom of the table Thunderland earned a credible 1-1 draw in their heavyweight clash with Bullton Wanderers. The elephants seemed to be heading for defeat with 5 minutes to go. But when the bulls’ centre forward was shown a red card, half the bulls charged at the ref and, once a replacement ref was found, were sent off themselves, and Thunderland managed to equalise.

In a rare defeat, Chelseal looked out of their depth in a 2-0 defeat at Blackbird Rovers.

Trottingham Hotspur also had a mare against Bearmingham City, losing 3-2 in injury time. Spurs had spent the match hoofing the ball upfield, leaving their manager with a very long face indeed.

In the weekend’s other matches, high-fliers Gull City beat Wolves 1-0, Earwigan Athletic drew 1-1 with stick insects Dullham. Barnley’s owls, managed by Dennis Wise after his move from Cleverton, defeated Asston Villa, who unsurprisingly played like donkeys. Monkchester City avoided trying to eat the potential banana-skin that was Pawsmouth, whose youngest player, John Terrier, had to be substituted when he kept fetching the ball back to his keeper. At Upton Pork, Best Ham Utd held on to earn a 0-0 draw against Stoat City.

Super Soup!

Dear Nigella

I hope you don’t mind me writing to you directly, but I have recently discovered a fab new recipe which was so quick and easy to make that I’m sure you’ll want to include it in your next ‘Nigella Express’ series. It’s ideal for those busy working mums like yourself who barely have the time to air their vanilla pods during their hectic schedules.

I happened upon this recipe quite by chance, and it’s a really super way of saving money, combining leftovers from the day before to make a delicious supper ideal for that impromptu dinner party. We had just filled the dishwasher with the dirty dishes from the evening’s fish pie supper and the next morning found that the stupid thing had broken. But imagine our delight when we realised that the fishy water sloshing around in the bottom was, in fact, fabulous seafood chowder – yum, yum! I know this probably sounds a bit healthy, so I’d recommend chucking in at least half a bottle of dry white, half a pound of chopped chicken livers and a pint of double cream.

Now if that doesn’t get you creeping downstairs in your dressing gown for a little midnight feast I don’t know what will. I think Mrs B had a few too many mouthfuls when she was clearing it up – she ended up retching! Old greedy guts!

Anyway, I’ve had lots of thoughts recently about things to warm you up, and I thought it was about time I gave you one.

Kind regards,

Bogsey.