Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Try Something Stupid Today

Bored with the run-of-the-mill cooking routine? Want to add a little excitement to your kitchen? Why not try the following recipe, which I invented recently.

Spaghetti With Toasted Chest Hair

You will need:

Normal Spaghetti
Gluten-free Spaghetti
2 pans of boiling water
1 baggy T-shirt, preferably one bought for you by your partner within the past 2 weeks.
1 glass of red wine (large)


1. Place the two pans of water on two gas rings, one behind the other. Make sure the gas is up nice and high, so that flames lick around the edge of the pans.

2. Place the gluten-free spaghetti in one pan, the normal spaghetti in the other.

3. After about 10 minutes, test the spaghetti in the front pan.

4. Then lean over the front pan, like a stupid idiot, and taste the spaghetti in the second pan.

5. After a few moments, you should smell burning. At this point, put your right index finger to your bottom lip and furrow your brow. Say to yourself “Mmm…smell’s like burning, but I’m only cooking pasta. Strange.”

6. After a few more seconds you may experience a strange sensation of heat as flames lick up your T-shirt.

7. At this point it is critical that you hold your nerve. Swift, sensible action will avoid worsening the already hazardous situation. Alternatively, my preferred method is to dance around the kitchen, fan the flames by flapping your hands around them in a pathetic attempt to put them out, yelping “help, I’m on fire!” in a weak, high-pitched voice.

8. With a bit of luck, the flames will die down enough for you to pull the T-shirt off, dump it on the floor and stamp on it.

9. Now down the red wine – it’ll steady your nerves.

10. Serve the pasta bare-chested, with generous amounts of self-pity. For extra effect, add comments like, “I hope you enjoy that, I nearly killed myself making it.”

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